wine coma

Dreamer.

I had the best nap, and the dream was charming.

I was visiting an old friend. She took my hand and we ran around her house. We went up to the attic and it transformed into a garden. She smiled a lot and I was glad to see her happy.

Then I was laying on the floor of a drugstore, listening to music through headphones, when a new friend visited me. My eyes were closed. She hovered above me, placed her ear against mine to hear the song and kissed me on my forehead. When I opened my eyes, she was gone.

I just can’t get into it

I am a lesbian (duh) and I may always be a lesbian (duh)

Sometimes I try to open myself up to the idea of a penis

in order to stay open minded and uninhibited
(because god forbid I ever turn into a repressed psychopath)

But it just never sounds like a good time
It never turns me on

I don’t want to kiss a man
and I’m not Julia Roberts,
so I guess we won’t fuck either.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

I don’t know how to write this without sounding like an asshole. I’ve tried to go at it from all different angles, but it keeps reading the same.

I’m not in a relationship with my ex because I don’t want to be in a relationship with my ex. I was unhappy, and it’s not something you can force or fix like a bad habit. She is a good person, and very sweet, but I am not going to be won over.

Every time someone encourages us to be together, it just sounds like they don’t want me to be happy. Every time she reaches out for me all I hear is “my happiness is more important to me than yours.” I was half of that relationship, and I have every right to separate myself. I have every right to grow, evolve, connect, love and do whatever I want.

I don’t care if I end up completely alone, and I will not regret this because I will remember that these changes made me happy. I deserve to be happy.

Dreams

I wake up in the afternoon and my hair looks damn good
I prefer dream hair over sex hair
It looks like the things I trap in my mouth and the people I want to see
Touch my chest, hug my thighs
There aren’t enough hours in the night

changes

I have been 26 for almost a month now and I feel myself changing more in these 28 days than maybe all of last year combined. I broke up with my girlfriend. Not because I don’t love her, but because I want more. More out of a relationship and more out of myself. Maybe in the future we will be more, but right now all I can be is honest.

cars and derby

I sold my Nissan and bought a Mazda with 100,000 less miles on it. I miss the Nissan. We went through a lot together. She had 222,666 miles when I sold her to my sister. Me and the Mazda will make new memories, traveling around the state… is what I keep telling myself.

I spent most of yesterday reffing my 2nd roller derby bout. I love my local team for many reasons.

• For being the underdogs. It gives them character. Like the bad news bears.  They do things that make no sense sometimes, but every now and then there is an awesome highlight.
• For being diverse, and how welcoming they are to anyone that is different.
• For not being a bunch of cunts. I have a feeling I’m going to encounter a lot of those, as a referee. I’ve already encountered a couple. Before, as a skater on the team, and definitely now as a zebra.

Lately I’ve been getting the itch to travel. I hope I can ref at bouts all over florida this year to take care of that. I need the experience, too.

dread head

i like to lay my head on your chest. i like your scarred collar. your skin so thin i can almost see the metal. your dreads that smell like carpet.

you are maybe the kindest person i’ve ever met. even when you are mad, you announce that you don’t want to have hate it your heart. even when i think you are being a jerk, you are showing me how to love.